Reason why we are a nation of fatties

When I was enjoying my culinary heyday, back in the marvellous 1950s, before oodles of TV channels and remote controls, I used ingredients which were in season and which didn't come in a can, weren't labelled low fat and couldn't be heated up in a radiation-emitting, beeping thingamabob.

Even my carrots were nobbly and needed to be washed before cooking because, ladies and gentlemen, carrots actually come from the ground, where they grow in the earth so they can be quite muddy.

But nowadays the world seems to have gone rather bonkers - and if were cooking for you in the 21st century I should imagine I'd be in a bit of a pickle.

For one thing, we have access to far more ingredients than ever before. Just take that Yotam Ottolenghi chap with his kohlrabi, and his powdered yuzu. It's a step up from tripe and onions, let me tell you.

We can get any food we like from anywhere in the world whenever we want - Thai, Indian, Malaysian, Portuguese.... Strawberries in January? No problem, Mrs C. (That said, find me a gooseberry any time of year and I'll tear up my ration book. They seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth).

The other marvellous thing is that gentlemen - unlike my Johnnie - seem to have learned to cook. I know, ladies! Calm down - think of the extra time you now have to do the ironing, or make yourself look nice.

Really, viewers, life in 2016 is astonishing - all sorts of ingredients, cooked by men and women from all walks of life, and quickly too, with the advantage of modern scientific invention.

The nasty days of the War, ration books, making do and mending, are well and truly over - and we must be the best nourished we've ever been.

But no! It beggars belief but it seems we are fatter, weaker, more unhealthy and less nourished than ever.

It turns out that all those low fat goods are actually making us lardy because the fat has been replaced with sugar.

If our budget is tight we no longer turn to cheap but nutritious cuts of meat - we reach for the super cheap, super quick ready meal. Which is, surprise surprise, full of sugar.

I can't quite believe that with all the riches of the earth we have managed to savage our diets to such a degree they're killing us.

This week's row about fat is just the latest in a string of dietary controversies. A simple glance at the newspapers in any given week will reveal scare stories galore - ketchup stops cancer, ketchup kills you, ketchup is a paedophile, ketchup has been arrested.

I may not be able to persuade you to eat dirty, nobbly carrots (good luck even finding them) but perhaps if everyone slowed down, stopped working through lunch, stopped skipping breakfast and went back to eating real food, made at home from decent ingredients, we'd all be better off.

And yes, folks, it is true - while suet pudding may be one to avoid, certain other fats are good for you - nuts, avocados, oily fish and the like are all part of a healthy, balanced diet. As one scientist this week pointed out, our brains are 60 per cent fat - which just goes to show we really are a lot of fatheads.

Disinfectant leaves a bad taste

THEY say always read the small print, which is sound advice, but I discovered at the weekend that it pays to read the big print too.

Especially if it says 'household disinfectant'.

I was visiting a friend, and having been afflicted by a sore throat this past week, I decided to thieve a slurp of his mouthwash in the hope that it might help kill off the germs.

I thought it tasted a bit rubbish and glared at the bottle to see what brand it was ... only to discover it was there for cleaning the bathroom, not my mouth.

A panicky five minutes followed while I gargled with water, brushed my teeth, gargled with milk, brushed my teeth again and contemplated ringing the NHS helpline.

Eventually I calmed down and washed away the taste with more than a few glasses of Cava. Definitely an experience to avoid in future - although several days later, my teeth are still so clean they could outshine the most sparkling of bathrooms.

Hot air on EU but few facts

I TOLD a friend I might write about Brexit this week.

"Do you know enough about it?" he asked.

"No," I said. "I don't need to know anything about it - I just need to have an opinion."

Which is just as well because this seems to be how our politicians are expecting us to approach the forthcoming referendum.

Facts? Pah. Let's do a little scaremongering instead, throw around words like 'Hitler' and 'recession' and watch as the nation guesses which vote will be best for our future.

We must be the laughing stock of Europe.